I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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