I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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