Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
