its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
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