What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
