he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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