I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
this is an emotional support booty call
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Randomize
