I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
