I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
