I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
