i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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