Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
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