i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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