a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize