I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
