Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
