if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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