Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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