Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
