happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
