he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I need a hoe opinion
go on
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