he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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