My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
