Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
