I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
