if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
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