dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
