Dual....:-)
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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