so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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