I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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