I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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