just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I got inside last night via doggy door
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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