Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize