he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
