We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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