Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
