Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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