Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
