my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
