i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize