Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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