Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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