I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
