Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize