They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
