apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize