Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
