His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
