I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Randomize
