hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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