Sry I called you an 8
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
