Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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