i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
