you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
