Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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