I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
My dick has a subreddit
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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